What a month: i turned thirty-one, got into grad school (officially, at last) — and... drum roll... i found out i’m gonna be a dad!
So, i've spent much of March in stunned silence. Whether it was contemplating the eruptions of violence here in Vancouver, or over in Ireland, or struggling with the implications of the chasm between positivist and post-structuralist epistemologies, i’ve been doing a lot of staring quietly into space lately, asking myself: what the hell should i do? And now i’m confronted by the fact of imminent parenthood, too.
I’m excited, sure; i’ve always wanted to be a dad. But i’m terrified too. Really fucking scared. Some of this is “useful fear” such as that which motivates me to be more organized and to “do my homework” (learning about pregnancy and birth, and how to remain calm / relax enough to be supportive and helpful to Sara, etc.); but some of this is unhelpful fear such as … well a whole bunch of lame crap i’m trying not to get too distracted by.
I manage to get (sometimes pleasantly, sometimes just obliviously) lost in the quotidian minutiae quite regularly, but when i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or something, my reflection winks and says: “Hello, Daddy!” and i am suddenly paralyzed, entranced by some vague shape on the horizon of my mind. What am i gonna do?
All i know is that i don’t know…
I do think that i’ll be turning to art more often in the coming year(s); as in recent weeks i’ve found myself reading and writing a lot more poetry, and even producing some music for the first time in many moons. In this i’ve been inspired (and gently compelled) by the “A/r/tography” course i’m taking. This course has also contributed to my deepening fascination with (and hope for anarchistic applications of both) pluralism and post-structuralism, and that’s another way of saying i’m enjoying it. However, even though i’m always grateful for all of the interesting puzzles of this life, some days it feels a little overwhelming to consider all these overlapping and intersecting challenges: financial, professional, academic, intellectual, emotional, physical…
So, on days, like today, when i feel reduced to a furrowed brow and a thought bubble containing only question marks, i thank god for video games (...and the simplicity of clean socks — speaking of which, i owe a special thanks to my lovely friend McKinley for these amazing hand-knitted socks haunted by the ghost of Pablo Neruda: gracias amiga).
Amen.
